broken-down beliefs

i've been trying to resurface old memories.
took me some time to do it.

came up with vague memories of my childhood.

my family was never superstitious. we never accepted superstitious practices, and we seldom followed tradition.

my family was different.
our minds were guided by each person's beliefs.

and in our family, we all had different perspectives. this dissemblance, brought forth diversity amongst the practices of each of the family members.

i was raised by a family of geniuses.
being the youngest at that time, i had to conform with the scattered beliefs of my family. i still had no individuality.

but as i grew up, i began shaping my own personality. i coupled different beliefs with my own theories.

though i was a synthesis of different dogmas, i became unique. i was something else. i developed my own ideology.

as i grew up, i took advantage of my eccentricity. it was good. everything was easy. i was a god.

alas, time catched up on me. all of a sudden, i wasn't as different as i used to be. everybody seems to be unique in their own way.

time...was being fair for everyone.

and with that truth in mind, being different, like everybody else, i am, just like everybody else. and that takes away my individuality.

it seems funny, you know, when your most seminal
ideology crashes down on you, when you prove to yourself, that your religion has been a hoax all along, everything seems to lose sense to you.

you become jaded.

you develop a fathomless hate for the world, and for all its ideals. and you hesitate on welcoming new postulations because you have an abyssal rage fueled by your broken conjectures.

everything little thing seems abysmal.

you know there's something wrong, and you have to do something about it.

so i extended my awareness.
there's gotta be something else here.

'cause if there isn't, what else am i living here for?

is it not our profound ambition to be gods ourselves, that's keeping us from totally conforming to the system?

our only salve...from becoming institutionalized.

there's not much left of us, but hope.

and yes..it does..have it's own way of making things work...