permanent fugue

i've had this memento condition for over a year now. this fugue, which i don't know if it's temporary, or permanent, is increasingly becoming a burden for me. and for the people i live and deal with.

it's more like repression for me, since i had to deal with a painful experience the past few years. it seems like i've unconsciously removed the grim events i struggled to go through from my active memory.

it seemed like a good thing, at first. because i have discarded most recollections of that certain event. and all i had to do was live my life as it is, without having to worry or think about what used to be.

as time went by, my memory condition worsened. hardly would i be able to recall any incident that happened the previous day, specially if it was either mundane or insignificant. and i also developed an autogenetic discharge of harsh memories from the previous day. the process may also be hastened through alcoholic intake, to the point of removing the memories within a few hours.

i think about it sometimes, and i tell myself, is my heart, or my mind...lying to me? because deep inside, i want it to? is that why it's hiding my distressing memories from me? i know somehow, they're still in my mind, it's just hiding someplace where i can't view them unless i really try hard to find a way to get them back.

it's not all positive though, because most of them, they come to haunt me in my dreams. i can recall them, in the form of nightmares, although it's a tad different from the real thing, sometimes i can make out the whole point in it.

i ask myself sometimes, if i'd want my memory to be whole again. part of me wants to have them back, but then.. to bring up my good memories, i'd have to bring back the bad memories too.

i guess i'll have to save that thought for next time, when i'm ready for the truth. someday, but not today.

you know what they say, ignorance... is bliss.